Letting Go....

It's been quite some time since I wrote... and now I have no choice.

The love of my life...my Astro...made his transition on February 1, 2005, after a tortuous 24 hours of emergency care at three different facilities.

What do they mean when they say "he's one mass tumor of blood?" How can that be when he was actually playing with another dog just 4 days before - like a puppy almost, altho at 15 he wasn't up and moving around alot. He WAS barking and he hadn't done that forever.

I came home to a nightmarish scene that I am still trying to forget. But it's the love, the kindness, the concern, the expressions of grief from others that have helped me forget.

This has been the hardest 3 weeks of my life that I can remember. I miss my boy. My friend, my guardian, my protector, my pain in the butt when he was out of control, my silly boy, my junk yard dog, my pride and joy. He was so huge, not only in stature, but in heart. His death has touched so many people and more new people have entered into my life since his passing.

I was sent a lovely note from the Dean of UC Davis' Companion Animal program to say my vets had sent a donation in Astro's name. A beautiful Pet Grief comfort box came with lovely reminders, helpful items and grief recovery booklets to help ease the process and get me thru it. I have cards, articles, e-mails, calls from men and women, young and old, hurting for me too - knowing what a loss that unconditional love is in one's life. I have met new people that have gone through the loss and are so there for me and I feel a new kinship with strangers. I have even received the coolest black velvet canvas drawing by Astro's dogwalker that has beautiful purple heart jewels to make up his color. His mouth and face actually jump out at you at night as the reflection of the white outlining on the black creates that 3D effect. The black light didn't exactly work - just dim lights and candlelight and it's just such a great piece of art. And WHAT a fabulous subject she had to work with if I say so myself!

To love an animal is more than one can deserve in this lifetime I believe by what they give to you - and what they keep giving when they leave. The sense of importance they give to you is amazing ... and when they are gone you are left with you. Just plain you. That's what hurts. Knowing that you are not needed is one of the hardest things a human can experience.

Cats on the other hand don't really need you, they put up with your tardiness for their dinner and cleaning out their catbox...and don't russle up the sheets just as they get good and comfy or they WILL have to hurt you. But it's JUST a love scratch to tell you "hey, this is my territory, bug off until I need you again!" No, kitties are delicious and I can't live without mine now more than ever. I did have to get Rescue Remedy to put in their water as they are getting very aggressive now that Astro is out of the picture and the house seems bigger and more theirs. I believe they are grieving in their own special way. They are 16+ and 10+. That really blew my mind when I was reviewing pet records in the hospitals and noticed that Mootzie was 16+ and Mali was already 10! She's just like a kitten still! It's so wild.

I am blessed to have longevity in my animals, but I don't know how much more pain I can stand with my loss. I know others can relate, but it just seems so damned personal. So hurtful to have your best friend taken from you ... with your approval to give them the shot that relieves the torture and any pain they may feel in this life. I wish us humans could have that relief too.

I guess that's not what life is about though. It's about making it through the struggles, the pain, the grief, the loss, the hardships to appreciate the love, the kindnesses, the fun, the memories, the laughter and the lazy days of lying next to your best friend. Oh, I did say lying NEXT to him...we were equals you know. He definitely did not like the bed - TOO HOT for a Newfie/Lab. He was my big man that liked to rough the cold and the hard floor ... altho he did like this last bed I got him from Costco. He inherited a 12 year old Lab's bed he had all his life and then got to enjoy it for about 10 years before Mootzie peed all over it this summer and I had to toss it.

Somehow... I knew...the day I threw the bed out that the end was near. Call it superstition, call it a mother's intuition...I know that something happened that day that told me to love on him alot. Plus the cat really ticked me off and made me realize that life goes on. She didn't want him in her territory no more than he wanted her in his. Cats are cats and dogs are dogs. Isn't their life simple and defined nicely. They get along but know who they are - always.

More on my boy and the beauty of the beasts.

My heart goes out to all who have lost or may soon lose their beloved pets. Hug on them everyday if it is near the end and love on their memories if they have passed.

They feel us on Rainbow Bridge ... I have to believe that.